Thursday, August 14, 2008

Living My Life like its Golden

but its been tough. since ive started work, 7 months ago, ive seen and experienced egypt in a totally different way, i cant even recognize my country as i "thought" i knew it, and as i had positioned myself within it. i feel different in the street, partly because now, i am a woman, and i cant tell im seen as one, i dont look like a school girl or a colllege girl, i look different, i dress different, i speak different and i act differently, and its been strange and their have been great triumphs, because i am able now to be comfortable and confident and be everything my father has raised me, but there have been great disappointments too. These come when i ask myself, why i am so motivated, so genuine, so adamant in trying to support and care and work for a society that treats me like shit. for a society of people who call me a whore when i walk in the street or stare at my zipper on my jeans or call me "2alelt il2adab" when i tell some guy who drives up to me and my friend at 11 pm that he is a jerk. why do i give a shit? When i get whistled at, INSIDE cars, when i get looked at from up to down on my way to work when i get pushed from behind trying to buy a newspaper just so that i can read about the news of this nation? Its hard not to decide to just leave, and be free, and be relaxed, and be sexual and be normal, and just. be.
on the other hand sometimes i get these great ideas about what i have the capacity, skill, knowledge and connections to do.sometimes I have plans, schemes, entire campaigns in my head. but do i have it in my soul, and in my razor blade mind, and in my heart, and in my body, to do what it might take to realise them? I know im pretty new at all of this, and im giving it a shot i guess.
Egypt is driving me out of my mind, i believe. In taxis I look at the window into every side street, every car, every shop, every balcony, to try to understand people's lives. the specemins here are endless, the complexities unfathomable, the nuances unexamined, the variations inexplicable. Cairo is a huge, enormous city. There is so much good, and so, so, much bad and its bogged down by its own enormity and stature and the wheels that are already in motion. I read one newspaper from cover to cover, and i need to sit down. I sigh involuntarily as i turn the page. Stabbing over a game of chess. Stabbing over a loaf of bread. Are they related? Mass scandal over high school examination. Mass scandal from millionare business man. No reaction either way. Stifling, constant, passivity, its too overwhelming to react. its paralyzing.
What is my role? I am not willing to be miserable for the sake of a noble cause, I know that much. There are some absolutes I know I need. I know I need love, and companionship, and time away from the desk, and time to be creative, and time to listen to music in my room, in the dark, for hours and feel every decibel and live through it. time to exercise. i know i need my family. i know i need money. i know i need my friends. and i know i need to feel like im contributing and acquiring knowledge, but at what expense? and for what end? Personal or universal, short term or long term, bla bla bla. it doesnt stop.These are the things I cant control. So i need a little help on the things that are in my hands. sometimes.

6 comments:

Baby Kangaroo said...

such a perfect sentiment. i actually had to stop in the middle and resume my breath. just. be.

love it.

Anonymous said...

Well I guess I found a way out of all this by building my own small world.
I had a friend from Cairo the other week and we were talking a walk in my neighborhood..It's called Kafr Abdou,Alexandria. there is this (Seneyya) where I park my car with old lovely trees and flowers..well I cant really describe it..and maybe its not the best place in the world but I like it the best. The trees know me, the bricks and stones know me and the people as well. I told him: You see this quarter, This is Egypt to me, my sense of home and belonging somewhere is confined to this place, and I would die for this quarter. Noone would take over here unless he's over my dead body. Egypt consists of my mother, the few people whom i love and know they do not exist anywhere else in the world and the old good distant memories inside my mind. I miss this small place and those few people whenever I'm away, abroad oe even inside the big (Egypt), when I'm somewhere else, in or out, I'm just an object among many. I don't lock myself inside my car when Im walking in the streets and turn the ac on even if it's not that hot as many people do nowadays to isolate themselves and such things, I rather mingle but yet I'm inside this virtual shell, hoping I would go back to my place and my people, my little Egypt soon.
I used to criticize my mother coz she used to read the Obituaries throughly, now I do the same thing. I'm more interested in who's leaving than who's staying, not mentioning who's coming. I don't read newspapers when I'm in a bad mood in the morning, I use them as sheets when I'm eating. It suits our modern times more.
You made me talk.

madwomaninatic said...

what comes at you from the world is really a reflection of what you give out... so, you need to work on building strength and confidence... and yeah, don't think too much, it's unhealthy, just be, and enjoy who you are :)

EgyDiva said...

anonymous: thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Tamam.
I hope you read my comment on the following article

EgyDiva said...

I did, but i really enjoyed reading this one.